Wednesday, August 25, 2010

A dream is a wish your heart makes...

I dremnt about food! not just food but the appreciation of food. appreciattion of my food..yeah I know that sounds weird but I love to hear someone say ," damn this food is good, steph". or "steph how about you make that....... i have been craving it." I want to have that agian. I want to cook for someone..not just my kids but someone I love and care for. I know thats weird thing to dream....but i dreamt none the less.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Rants without rage....

I am so tired of being used! I am sick and tired of trusting people giving my heart and having it stomped on like a piece of trash that means nothing! I am always willing to help someone in need to a fault I do this..sometimes even to the point where neglect my own needs just to help someone else. I am always getting hurt no matter what the situation. I hate this , i hate life, im so tired, sometimes i wish i would not wake up. its to painful to continue..lord what is this trial, what is this lesson i am suppose to learn from this. WHY WHY WHY I am 33 years old living in an apt with a roomate-who btw is awsome and i love her for being there for me and my kids, but i cant help but wish it was a husband i was living with and not a roomate. How long will i live alone ? without thelove and compasison and touch that GOD intended man and woman to have? we as humans are not programed to be alone, it is in itself a major malfunction for us to be. And yet I am scared to death of meeting someone new, starting a new relationship, explaining my disorder, how it effects me, what i can and cannot do in all areas of a relationship. explainig my kids and thier issues, finding acceptance of my kids and their issues, finding someone who accepts my childrens fathers despite the lack there of from time to time. it all so much for me to handle how can i expect someone else to ? Oh and on top of everything else i can be a major bitch at times....call it pain call it stress whateverI just am i admit it i am. but does that exuse always being trampled on by people, bymen and wemen no matter how hard i try????? I would have given the world to my husband if he would have understood my pain , if he would have run into my arms and held me instead of someone else----oh boy that sounds bad doesnt it..kinda makes me sound like im clinging on to something thas not there....no im not..im clinging on to the idea of something that wasnt there not him...im still hurt by what happened ...im justlearning to live with it better each day. I am ready to move on, to find my own happiness and joy , love! Another rant: I met someone through a good good friend of mine....for blog sake we will call this someone "J" . "j" was pregnant and had a big sob story about her soon to be x husband and his infidelity...well being someone who has been through that in a marriage i felt her pain and felt a calling to help her if i could in any way. " j" aksed for my help and I helped her...ALOT! what do i get in return (btw i was not expecng anything in return) I get shit on thats what! she stole my medication, lied about it blamed others including my 14 year old son, talked crap behind my back then completely ignoored me untill she needed more help then she calls up my other friend like nothings wrong and asks for my help...HA! I am a christian not a idiot!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Whats Changed?

Michael is back home with us, we are a family once more. Or at least as much of a family as we can be with out the "daddy" in the picture. Michael's dad is all but absent from his life completely, he thinks his fatherly contrabution is $125 a month. Cecelias dad, well i just dont know, he is around but not around. He drives a SWIFT truck and lives out of his truck wothhis wife. I am sur ethat works for them but not really well for Cece. Currently not recieving any support funds from them right now. But thats another story. I am still in a whole lot of pain. Its hard to enjoy life when your in pain. i miss being the crazy go lucky fun person i used to be. some say im still that person others i think wonder where is that stephanie we know? I have learned a bit more to stand up for myself and not take anyone crap! tired of beng abused and im making that very well known. Tired of being hurt too. Ready to move on withmy life and out of this funk i have been in. Lonlieness and Pain can do that to a person. top that off with having a child who is in pain and you got yourself a mess. I am hoping and praying that this year will be different then others, that some peace will come out of having to move back to CA. oh yeah did i forget to mention were back in CA. had to leave ok agianst my will so that i could have more resouces as far as my children were concerned. there are other more personal reasons to but im not ready to share those yet.
non the less were back. paying out the wazooo for rent and trying to scrimp and save to make it though each month. eventually somethings gotta give right???