Sunday, June 7, 2009

Fustrating...where to God?

I tookthe kids to Johns Incredible pizza yesterday, actually my sister in law paid but we all went ....anyways..its very fusterating to me to try and be the " bigger" be the of the not judge or say something mean or retalitory-is that even a word?..Anyways, a lil backround, my family has always treated me differently, I think partially due tothe fact that I was always sick as a kid...
I think my bro and sister actually resent me for being sick...They both treat me like crap, even as an adult..they both act as if they are better then me and they say mean and hateful things all the the point where i dont even want to be a part of their lives,,,,,,and yet..I love my nieces and nephews.So thats where the " shut up and take it" comes in..I feel like if i want tohave anything to do with my nieces and nephews, I have to sit back and take their abusive words.
My niece has Cystic Fibrosis and we dont know how long she will be with us..we are praying for her and hope her health will continue to get better. but still its the not know-ing that is hard. I am sure she will lead a full and happy life, i just pray my sister will include me in her life and yet i am affraid if i say one thing wrong....thats it shes outta my life, just like my brother did with my nephew...
WHen did family become so disposable?

I cannot figure out what it is God has planned for me...I will be 32 years old tomorrow and I have done nothing with my life, What mark will I leave what legacey will i leave my children? I cant work because of the pain and other issues my tumors cause...I have considered writting childrens books baout neurofibromatosis or cystic fibrosis or even just general medical issues kids have to go through, thought about making a photography book about autism, thought about taking photography classes and becoming a photographer for NILMDTS, ..goodness so many things that i htink im being called to do..but do not know for sure...i dont think i have enough confidence in myself to do anything....I want to but just dont....FUSTRATING

for some reason I have been tortuing myself with these really sad blogs about these amazing wemen who deliver beautiful babies that go to hevean- way before what should be their time...I mean these wemen are incredible and i cant even imagine the pain they are going through...I think God may have in a way brought me to them for some reason, but i cant figure out why? I at some times think they were brought to make me appreciate my kids more, but that in itself is so hard and difficult...because now i feel guilty every time i feel like " i need a break" I think of these wemen who would kill to have a screaming child in their arms or a temper tantrum throwing 6 year old....and yet here i am complaining about it..I love my kids so much....would not trade them for the world..i have to at times rememebr i am a single mom with vitually no support who herself has medical issues and a son with major medical/mental issues and i am doing the best i can with what god has given me.......and yet its so FUSTRATING

so while i pray for the healing hearts of these wemen who have lost their children, i also pray that god shows me what path i am suppose to take here and why he has brought me where he has....

Where to know God?

another post here in a few / more pics of the kids

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