Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Beach photo's, lifes issues

We went to the beach yesterday. Not something they have in Oklahoma....Its one thing I miss about CA...The beach is so theraputic.....
New stresses:
I dont understand why life has to throw these crazy insane stresses at you...just when you think you got life under controll. Everything used to be so peacful in OK and now I have people who I thougth where friends, saying mean hurtful things, turning their back onme and our friendship....Why am i so disposable to everyone I meet. Why can people so easily turn their backs on me..over stupid things like missunderstandings or stupid little things that should not make a difference. I also feel very USED..like poeple are tollerating me so their lives can be better....I know for some that doesnt make since but its how I feel. As long as I have something to offer, I am so useful to everyone, but as soon as something better comes along, I am thrown out like last weeks trash.
Amongst other things, My friend Jennn is moving to Ponca city, and I love her to death, but the truth is I know shes not moving for me.now where I dont expect her to move " for me" she says i am " part" of the reason she is moving. but in reality I think she moving for Brandon-this guy-see previous blogs. I think if it were not for Brandon...she would not be moving, wether I were here or not....She will be staying with me for a while till she gets her feet on the ground, but I wonder if it will ruin what friendship we have? I pray not. Brandon and I and Brandon's family have been having ...well "issues" .....She( Jennn) will always side with Brandon because she loves him...even if in the end he is wrong...its kinda her duty to side with him right? So if I am- or thought- I was his friend- and yet am so easily disposable to him, then am I the same to her? I dont blame her for taking his side as she belives she is truley in Love with him.....but where does the line get drawn between being someones friend and a friend of someones girlfriend? How much can I take? Why does it always have to be something? What lesson is god trying to teach me? I could get all biblical and say " hes trying to teach me he is my one and only true friend" but then agian I know he did not put us on this earth to walk these battles alone.
That being said part of me wants to stay here and live with Angelique.lol, Go on road trips, and forver be humble toe buddies. -right and all 6 of our kids...we would be well on our way to Crazyville. then agian, I look back at all the things- the good things Ponca city has brought into my life, and while I am still incredibly lonely it is still peaceful. Oddly enough Ponca city has a population of about 26,000 give or take a few hundred-with allth elay offs and all- I have now brought 12 people plus myself and my 2 kids that 14 thats about 3.64% o fthe population that I have increased..if i do my calculations correct....lol But i digress..how can I have so many pepole move to be close to me and yet still be so lonely? I want to feel peacful agian. I also want friends that dont htink im disposable, friends that will stand up for me. Friends that love me despite any character flaws. I just dont know....I think I will pack Angelique up in my suitcase and bring her home with me.....

2 comments:

teacheroftwos said...

You are not disposable to me! I don't know what I am going to do when you go back to OK. I could not have made it through the other night if it was not for you! I LOVE YA GIRL!

Emily S. Louden said...

What happened to Trust in him Tuesdays?