Friday, May 15, 2009

a picture?

Some say a picture can say a thousdand words....I dont always agree...maybe in times it can ...but i also think that pic can be decieving. I have been having a rough week with Michael. I soo want to help him but can not figure out what he needs. I have beenn offered so many different opinions and " ways of doing things" and yet nothing seems to work..nothing make him " happy"..he is so angry and fisterated it saddens me...and sometimes scares me. I know ihe loves me, I just wish he could show it. HE is such a good kid, hes smart and very handsome, a great actor, thats for sure! and hes funny and can be so polite, and then there is the JEKEL side -as we call it- The docotors dont want to sayitis Bi-POlar becasue theysay hes too young to be dignosed with it but they still treat him with bi polar meds...and Im just so fusteerated becasue evry doc we see wants to try something new, take himoff of one med and put him on another...every time we find one that works..they want to change it. I love my son so very much and I Just pray thatthe Lord jesus christ grant me the strength to be the mom he needs and that he be healedof these demons that haunt him and that he be whole as god intend us to be. That he be happy and healthy. I would give my life for my children, and the lord knows how hard I have treid to help my boy, but im running out of options on how to help him and every time i fail or he has another " fit"- lets just call itthat for now- I feel less and less like a good parent, like there is something I am missing or could be doing better for him.....I now in reality he is wher ehe should be, home with me, but i guess its just natural to feel like a failure when you son is unhappy no matter what you do. I so wish i could go back in time and change things, not for me but for him ..I just want him to be happy.
somedays are soo good and other drag on forever. what can I lost...I am here with no family...very lil friends, alone trying to make things work..trying to focus on whats important, GOD & children.....I know i am here for a reason , God brought me here..maybe to get away from all the outside influances that were damaging my son, maybe for other reasons..I have not figured it out yet, I just know there is a reason and I will continue to praise the lord even in this stormy time and I will continue to thank the lord for my blessings and maybe someday i know my purpose and maybe someday we WE as a fmaily can find peace. for more then just a snapshot.

I dontmean to sound like a selfish person, and hope thats not how this is coming through in my blog...Iguess i am using this more as a diary type fourum then anything else...However..if someone should read this and have any advice I would love to hear it and Prayers are always alsways welcome!

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