Sunday, May 10, 2009

old blogs from myspace moving here to save deleting myspace

Saturday, November 22, 2008
A new outlook about worrying about Holidays, money etc. Category: Religion and Philosophy
I was listening to a radio station yesterday and this is what I heard. I liked it so much I though I would share. The message started by saying..worriers are atheist..for if you worry you do not believe in god. The Dj referenced Mathew 6: Therefore I say unto you, Take no bthought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?
Seek 1st his kingdom and all these other things will follow and you do not have to worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Therefore I tell you do not worry about your life.
So I say unto all of my friends and family members who care to read my blogs...Dont be an athiest...belive in God and dont worry! whats ment to happen will happen whats ment to be will be.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Holidays suck-updated
I hate holidays....they are so freakin depressing. Its just a commercialized way to break you down finacially not to mention the emotional stress some go thoruh if you havent got someone to share it with. as someone once told me,..... There is a difference betwen being alone and being lonely. yes i have my daughter here and yes my son will be with me at christmas but I am so flippin lonely and it sucks. I really dont think god eer inteneded humans to be lonely...The world today has put so much into looks and who has more money stuf like that..... I am not even really talking about sex.....more so some companionship..someone to cuddle up with on the couch and watch a movie....someone to share memories with....ughh it just sucks. and seems so unfair.
things are so much more peacful here since i moved to Ok.. Sacramento was so busy and everyone is always on the go..gotta do this or gotta do that, no ne ever stops to think or reflect.or loe for that matter..i mean really truley love. Here even though i am as lonely as hell, there is an oerwhelming since of peace that i have here knowing that i am where i am suppose to be now. Now if only i could have someone to share it with...someone who would sit outside and watch these amazing thunderstorms with, or watch the stars at night, someone who would go to church with me go to diner with friends...just enjoy being here with me.sighhh
its amazing what you take for granted....i think that everyone who has someone..when you aurgue and fight...its just amazing to think what it would be like without that person...lay in bed and imagine not having that person there ever agian....

sad Current mood:Reflectie
Ughh..i am so sad right now. Mikey left last night. he went back to his dads house. Its so sad because he practically begged me to " keep" him. its not as if i dont want him i wish he could undertsand how much i do want him. i tried to explaine to him that at his dads he has his own room and he has better doctors and brothers to play with. Yes i am more stable . expecialy now that i am far away from phyco grandma, I wish I could have him here eery day but i know that right now he is in the best plce he can be and I hope that he doesnt resent me or cecelia in any way. I hope that he sees where is is the best for him right now and that i made the right decison for him. I loe him so much.

SO in additon to that Cecelia has the impression that she will not see or een talk to her daddy untill christmas time and she has resiend herself intro thinking thats okay. she says to me out of the blue in the most precious but adult way..." well i supose ill just hae to deal with it" and i asked her what it was she had to deal with..she says " well you know mommy the situtation with my daddy"...WTF...this girl is talking like an adult " the sitation she i asked her what she meant...she says " well mommy isint it obiouse..daddys in a truck he wont be able to see me for quit a while" OMG who am i talking to i thought to myself....such a little i explained agian that daddy loed her and would try his best to see her when he could. she asked to callhim and when i tried it went to a recording she says to me " well that figures mommy..just when i wanna talk to my dad the stupid recording tells me its not agood time" i just cant believ some of the things she says sometimes...

today’s excitment! Category: Life
Well today was a first for Cece...she was playing outside with Anthony..she came inside crying....not a normal cry but one of those cries where you as a mom know something just is not right....she was cradling her hand so I asked what was wrong and she showed me her hand...her pinkie was twisted off to the side and turning purple..i grabbed her hand to take a closer look and when I touched her her pinkie popped and Cece Screamed and cried. I took her to the clinic and they said it deff. dislocated and took xray to make sure it was back in place and it was..they said they did not see any fractures. The doc said its a pretty bad sprain and if she still is in pain on monday to come back Monday. My poor baby!here are the pics one is of her finger bandaged up in the splint the other is her cricked swollen pinkie poor baby!
sorry pics didnt turn out

MARRIAGEWhen I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore.I just pitied her!With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into our bridal room on our wedding day.She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding Mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.On the second day, both of us acted much more easily.She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry Mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.I drove to office... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank, blah.. Blah.. Blah.. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy.
Do have a real happy marriage!If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.If you do, you just might save a marriage.

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