Saturday, May 23, 2009

a freind

My friend from Highschool Jenn is here visiting with me before i leave for CA she is so much fun to be around, her and I have alot in common, two kids, failed marriage, etc etc. She is an amazing photoghgrapoher and loves to take candid , artsy type photos..she did the "teal" pic of me and the gold pics of mikey.

she is dating Brandon now,a guy that imet here in Ponca. For a while i really liked him, like more then friends liked him...but nothing agianst him personally just as we got closer i realized how different we were. In fact we discusses it form the very begining her and I, that we were uncompatible..soto speak....He is a great guy,just not the guy for me and me not the woman for him werefrom two totally differnt! BUt i swear I am going to get a name tag that says forever the matchmaker or forever the not the brides maid...i often "hook"people up into these wonderulf long lasting relationships, and yet ahve to be a bridesmaid or anything like that.....never the less, I am happy for Brandon and Jenn because at least now i can have both of them in my lives still. they really do make a cute couple. and Brandon is still soo awsome with Mikey! It s ablessing to have him as a friend in our lives.

Jenn and mikey get along great too! but thats always the case with someone new...mikey sweetens them up then BAM hell show the jekel side of him...LOL we love him all the just happens to be the way it is. He is a great kid and loves the attention...I just wish i had the patients I used to have with him. He means so much to me, I wantto help him in any way i can...I do get jealous when he acts all nice andperfect with other people then is "monsterish" with me...I know I should not but i feel so unlovedsometimes and I wonder if the damage his grandmother has done is permanant ?
Well thats all for now...maybe some more later.

Vacation or not?

So , it is saturday night and on tuesday morn we leave for CA..I am so nervous. Affraid of runing into people I do not want to see people who have no right to have anything what so ever to do with mikey becasue of the evil hatful things thay have dont to him and our family. Not a single one of them respects me or the fact that I am mikeys Mother and I DO know whats best for him not in addition to that I also have to deal with the fact that my step dad has cancer and just had surgery to replace the right part of his hip ( the main reason were all going) so i can help out as much as possible. I have decided to join a gym while i am there, I hope to loose 20-30 ponds..I plan on taking Mikey with me 4-5 times a week if notmore. He is old enough now to where we can workout togetehr on the floor at Ca family fitness. Ilook foward to our bonding time together, Cece will get to visit her grandma and papa and her cousins and all that good stuff. I amgoing to start to try and blog daily aboutmy wieght loss and how everything is going while i am in CA..we will see how that goes.
thats is for now.

I am looking foward tovisiting with my new niece, ABIGAIL! I cant wait to see her. She is so pretty and I Miss her mommy terribly!

Friday, May 15, 2009

Just some proud mommy pics of the kids

a picture?

Some say a picture can say a thousdand words....I dont always agree...maybe in times it can ...but i also think that pic can be decieving. I have been having a rough week with Michael. I soo want to help him but can not figure out what he needs. I have beenn offered so many different opinions and " ways of doing things" and yet nothing seems to work..nothing make him " happy"..he is so angry and fisterated it saddens me...and sometimes scares me. I know ihe loves me, I just wish he could show it. HE is such a good kid, hes smart and very handsome, a great actor, thats for sure! and hes funny and can be so polite, and then there is the JEKEL side -as we call it- The docotors dont want to sayitis Bi-POlar becasue theysay hes too young to be dignosed with it but they still treat him with bi polar meds...and Im just so fusteerated becasue evry doc we see wants to try something new, take himoff of one med and put him on another...every time we find one that works..they want to change it. I love my son so very much and I Just pray thatthe Lord jesus christ grant me the strength to be the mom he needs and that he be healedof these demons that haunt him and that he be whole as god intend us to be. That he be happy and healthy. I would give my life for my children, and the lord knows how hard I have treid to help my boy, but im running out of options on how to help him and every time i fail or he has another " fit"- lets just call itthat for now- I feel less and less like a good parent, like there is something I am missing or could be doing better for him.....I now in reality he is wher ehe should be, home with me, but i guess its just natural to feel like a failure when you son is unhappy no matter what you do. I so wish i could go back in time and change things, not for me but for him ..I just want him to be happy.
somedays are soo good and other drag on forever. what can I lost...I am here with no family...very lil friends, alone trying to make things work..trying to focus on whats important, GOD & children.....I know i am here for a reason , God brought me here..maybe to get away from all the outside influances that were damaging my son, maybe for other reasons..I have not figured it out yet, I just know there is a reason and I will continue to praise the lord even in this stormy time and I will continue to thank the lord for my blessings and maybe someday i know my purpose and maybe someday we WE as a fmaily can find peace. for more then just a snapshot.

I dontmean to sound like a selfish person, and hope thats not how this is coming through in my blog...Iguess i am using this more as a diary type fourum then anything else...However..if someone should read this and have any advice I would love to hear it and Prayers are always alsways welcome!

Loss of the twins and Cecelia's Pregnancy


Ok someone asked me about my pregancies so so i thought i would write blog about the "twins" then my preg with Cecelia (cece) so that I can have a record of my thoughts and feeling and what be it. Maybe later ill write about my preg with Michael- aside from the birth it was somewhat uneventful-praise the lord. Maybe I can inspire someone out there to know that Doctors are not always right..

Ok so on about dec 16th I found out i was pregnant, we were so excited because we had been trying for many years. On dec 28th i started bleeding, I had already had one miscarriage before my son was born so i figured it was prob happening agian and was devistated. the doctors confirmed it and on dec 31 the doc confirmed it when i went to ER because bleeding was out of controll...I sat in the ER untill almost midnight ( NEW YEARS EVE) when I was finaly called back...the the Doc said yup your dialated your having a misscarriage. Well have to do a i was moved into another room when much to my surprise a Female doc who was 7 tmonth( i asked) preg was goingt o do my DNC- WTF? notonly that but in themiddle of the DNC the Operator yelled over the intercom " HAPPY NEW YEAR" I was devistated but finally allowed to go home..the doctors monitored my blood work for another two weeks and the i got a call...." stephanie, how are you feeling"? umm " houw am i suppose to fee?" " well honey your still pregnant the blood work is rising and we think you ALSO have a tubal" shocked beyond belief i made my way back to the hospital where they confirmed there was a second Preg in my tubes...and it was nearly bursting atthis point (10-12 weeks preg) the doc said I had a rare cause of twins where one developes in the tubes and one in the uterous..the tubal prob caused the poisions that caused me to loose the one that made it to uterous and then i had to have the second one disolved....eww sounds horrible...dissolve mybaby what are you talking about....he responded thatit wasnt really a baby that it had stopped growing and was a growth of tissue at thispoint i made him look for a heartbeat and there was not one...sadley it did not even nlook like a baby, the doc gave me the shot and sent me home to grieve. I see it as if i have my two babies waiting in heaven..they didnt make it here on earth but will see me in heavean.

November : 1 year later I found out i was pregnant with my daughter, to the day one year later on dec 31st I started to bleed agian, rushed in to ER and they said we cant find a heart beat and what they said next horrified me...the said and i kid you not " go home and expell your preganacy" I scoffed and said WHAT...what do you mean..they said there wasnothing they could do and that i should just go home till thepreg was "expelled" when i asked them what was i suppose to do with itthen..they wont resemble anything its just tissues most people at your stage dont even know there preg and flush it down the toilette...I reitterated that i was nearly 10 weeks and they refused to help....My husband sat in the chair looking at me and said " if this baby makes it you can name it whatever you want" i said " her name is cecelia" he was shocked and said " whatif its a boy..?" i said
" her name is cecelia" he chuckled butwas devistated......I went home and waited for the worse...but the blleding stopped..two weeks later i went in to see my doctor and he found my precious baby girls heart beat..he said she was small but there and to rest....My ENTIRE preg i bleed..turns outi had a brusie on my placenta that collected blood then spilled out when full...My baby girl swallowed alot of the blood and had many issues while in utero..but was finally born healthy and happy on July 30th 2002 via c-section. Im so blessed to have both my daughter and my son, and we may have our difficult times but at least I have them here and canhold them and tell them i love them and experiance allthe things EVERY parent should be able to experiance ...Good and Bad...I just wish and pray that other mommys and daddies that have lost lil ones can have conforted hearts and that they will know the love of our Lord Jesus Christ and that they too will experiance the good the bad, the ugly and the beautiful of being parents.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Reflective thoughts???

Okay here it goes..First of all for some reason God has led me to some interesting/life changing blogs lately...
I had been exploring the idea of doing photography as well as making children's clothing of some sort...not every day clothing but special occasion wear...and more so for tiny preemies. Well oddly enough God led me to some blogs, seriously..Don't even know how i found them......they were sad but humbling...i was sitting there just before crying and excuse my Lang but bitching about how much i needed a break and how crazy my kids were driving me....and then i come across these blogs about these amazing women who have lost their precious babies for one reason or another and then i remember my preg with Cecelia and the loss of the twins and I think about OMG what if i had lost Cece too...I came so close that i actually had a casket picked out online for sad is that, i was at one point even told to consider contacting NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP, which is were i first learned of this program of photographers that shoot grievance photos of children who either are dying or already deceased and they do it in such a way that its not gross or morbid or anything it is amazing and beautiful. I will share my story Preg w/ Cece later. Anyhow I have always had an interest in helping premature infants and wanted to become a pediatric care nurse in the ICU-that never happened-may still but not of yet- another dream was to be a photographer of children much like Anne Getties-hope I spelled her name right. After Cece was born , she was 6lbs 5oz but skin and bones, nothing fither...for 2-3 months we had to put doll clothes on her i believe she was 3 months before preemie clothes finally fit. it was crazy....which lead me into wanted to explore making tiny baby what if i was to combine all of these things and make tiny clothes for these babys that are 1lb 2lbs 3lbs or even less what if these grieving moms who may have lost their baby had something that actually fit their child...I don't know..I wonder....its not like i can just I'm not sure how to market the would not be to make money off of...i could be a non profit organization and donate the money to different research causes...more specifically the ones that are being ignored due to lack of education. I have also contacted NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP to see what i would need to do to become a Photographer for their organization, I now they do training....but what else do indeed as far as supplies and ect.
and then with everything I have read and reflected on i can sit back and take a deep breath and I can thank the lord for all the hair pulling and biting and hitting and tattling he did this she took that..i can relish in the fat that i can hold children close and say I love you and no matter how old they get i can sing them lullabies..and although being a single mother of two children, one of which has special needs, is a challenging job to say the least, I have tried my hardest to do good by them and by god, and i can only pray that i have doe right by them by giving them all i have to give and by raising them to know the lord.
Thank you fr reading my blog, I know sometimes i jump around with my thoughts ..I try and stay as on point as I can, but i also justtype whati feel..hopefully the idea of what i am trying to say is clear and I would love to hear your opinions..Thanks and God bless

Whisper From GOD!

A whisper from God!
by Stephanie Scales
He whispered to the little one floating within his mother's womb.
"My child, the time is at hand for you to appear.
Angels are with you and you need not fear.

"The world may say it is far to soon and that it is not time.
But my child, I say to them, time is not theirs it's mine

"He whispered to the mother holding her womb tight with fear.
I have a plan for you my dearYou will give birth to a tiny son.
But from there you duties are not done.

This time that should be filled with happiness and joy,
will be filled with fear and surely followed by many tears.

But my child if you follow my lead and continue to believe
you will see the truth and glory in what I have planned for you.
I give to you doctors with the knowledge of what to do.

The tubes and wires may seem to be too much.
But his tiny body will be comforted my your loving touch.
"The world may say it is far to soon and that it is not time.
But my child, I say to them, time is not theirs it's mine "
Follow my lead and continue to believe you will see the truth and glory in what I have planned for you.

My child, the time is at hand for you to appear.
Angels are with you and you need not fear.

"There is a plan in all I do and there is a reason I have chosen you!

old blogs from myspace moving here to save deleting myspace

Saturday, November 22, 2008
A new outlook about worrying about Holidays, money etc. Category: Religion and Philosophy
I was listening to a radio station yesterday and this is what I heard. I liked it so much I though I would share. The message started by saying..worriers are atheist..for if you worry you do not believe in god. The Dj referenced Mathew 6: Therefore I say unto you, Take no bthought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?
Seek 1st his kingdom and all these other things will follow and you do not have to worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Therefore I tell you do not worry about your life.
So I say unto all of my friends and family members who care to read my blogs...Dont be an athiest...belive in God and dont worry! whats ment to happen will happen whats ment to be will be.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Holidays suck-updated
I hate holidays....they are so freakin depressing. Its just a commercialized way to break you down finacially not to mention the emotional stress some go thoruh if you havent got someone to share it with. as someone once told me,..... There is a difference betwen being alone and being lonely. yes i have my daughter here and yes my son will be with me at christmas but I am so flippin lonely and it sucks. I really dont think god eer inteneded humans to be lonely...The world today has put so much into looks and who has more money stuf like that..... I am not even really talking about sex.....more so some companionship..someone to cuddle up with on the couch and watch a movie....someone to share memories with....ughh it just sucks. and seems so unfair.
things are so much more peacful here since i moved to Ok.. Sacramento was so busy and everyone is always on the go..gotta do this or gotta do that, no ne ever stops to think or reflect.or loe for that matter..i mean really truley love. Here even though i am as lonely as hell, there is an oerwhelming since of peace that i have here knowing that i am where i am suppose to be now. Now if only i could have someone to share it with...someone who would sit outside and watch these amazing thunderstorms with, or watch the stars at night, someone who would go to church with me go to diner with friends...just enjoy being here with me.sighhh
its amazing what you take for granted....i think that everyone who has someone..when you aurgue and fight...its just amazing to think what it would be like without that person...lay in bed and imagine not having that person there ever agian....

sad Current mood:Reflectie
Ughh..i am so sad right now. Mikey left last night. he went back to his dads house. Its so sad because he practically begged me to " keep" him. its not as if i dont want him i wish he could undertsand how much i do want him. i tried to explaine to him that at his dads he has his own room and he has better doctors and brothers to play with. Yes i am more stable . expecialy now that i am far away from phyco grandma, I wish I could have him here eery day but i know that right now he is in the best plce he can be and I hope that he doesnt resent me or cecelia in any way. I hope that he sees where is is the best for him right now and that i made the right decison for him. I loe him so much.

SO in additon to that Cecelia has the impression that she will not see or een talk to her daddy untill christmas time and she has resiend herself intro thinking thats okay. she says to me out of the blue in the most precious but adult way..." well i supose ill just hae to deal with it" and i asked her what it was she had to deal with..she says " well you know mommy the situtation with my daddy"...WTF...this girl is talking like an adult " the sitation she i asked her what she meant...she says " well mommy isint it obiouse..daddys in a truck he wont be able to see me for quit a while" OMG who am i talking to i thought to myself....such a little i explained agian that daddy loed her and would try his best to see her when he could. she asked to callhim and when i tried it went to a recording she says to me " well that figures mommy..just when i wanna talk to my dad the stupid recording tells me its not agood time" i just cant believ some of the things she says sometimes...

today’s excitment! Category: Life
Well today was a first for Cece...she was playing outside with Anthony..she came inside crying....not a normal cry but one of those cries where you as a mom know something just is not right....she was cradling her hand so I asked what was wrong and she showed me her hand...her pinkie was twisted off to the side and turning purple..i grabbed her hand to take a closer look and when I touched her her pinkie popped and Cece Screamed and cried. I took her to the clinic and they said it deff. dislocated and took xray to make sure it was back in place and it was..they said they did not see any fractures. The doc said its a pretty bad sprain and if she still is in pain on monday to come back Monday. My poor baby!here are the pics one is of her finger bandaged up in the splint the other is her cricked swollen pinkie poor baby!
sorry pics didnt turn out

MARRIAGEWhen I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore.I just pitied her!With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into our bridal room on our wedding day.She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding Mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.On the second day, both of us acted much more easily.She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry Mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.I drove to office... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank, blah.. Blah.. Blah.. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy.
Do have a real happy marriage!If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.If you do, you just might save a marriage.

Saturday, May 9, 2009


Okay so its not the most flattering pic...but she is so proud to have lost her 1st front tooth ..I had to share!

Amazing grace

I say amazing grace because it is by the grace of god that i have come across some blogs lately that have really made me sit back and wonder what the hell im whinning about.. these amazing wemen found out their babies were going to be born with fatal disabilities and yet they carried them as long as they could and held their babies in thier arms until they went tohevan. These wemen would give anything to deal with all this sibling rivalry and drama that I am dealing with, these wemen would love to be a stressed out single mom..if it ment having their babies back in thier arms agian. Its just amazing their strength and compassion still even after such a loss...I dont know that i could be so strong. and thier faith in amazing is that to have such faith and love even after loosing your baby.....I owuld like to think i would still praise our lord even in the storm, but i dont even wantto pretend thati have a clue whatthey are going through...its just simply amazing and I dont think i have the words to discribe what their stories have done for me....I only wish their was something I could do in return....

God help me , this does not mean i will stop my venting about my wooos but i do think it will help me to appreciate a little more every day the things i do have and the two beautiful growing children whom I love with all my heart. Thank you to all you beautiful wemen out there who despite your loss , still carry a torch for jesus and have shared your story of faith.

Friday, May 8, 2009

overall mikey update

Michael has gotten much better, but still has rages. he is much happier here, ther ei sroom to run andplay and he is much healthier too, for both mental and physical reasons.... the air is better here. he has more friends here and more help form schools then we have ever gotten.
He does still get angry. It sucks to see him get so angry over little things I wish so badley i had been able to remove him from h eevil witch's grasp sooner then we did...the damage may have been less severe. I still dont think she knows how much she messed him up. The emotional abuse and parental and sibling alienation tatics she used have forever scared him...and yet it wa sher way of doing body truley knows what else she did to my poor lil boy...but he is messed up beyond belief and i do blame a good portion of it on her. I know the bible says to forgive, but dont they first have to seek forgiveness...what if they to are ill and dont even know that they did worng, or dont want to admit they did wrong. I wish i could find the answer to help him with all his needs....but no matter what i do to help ...nothing changes...i so wish i had the answers. His grades are better and he is slowley learning to accept " no" is an asnswer thatreal people recieve sometimes..this also attributed to the lovely person I refer to as the witch. She gave him anything and everythinghe ever wanted...." whats wrong with that"one may ask...well imagine being handed everything on a silver platter all your life then suddenly being thrusted into the real world...and being told no for the first time...imagine that and times it by a million and you will know how my son has been effected by this....she was literly coddeling and smothering him to the point where he was not learning any real life skills.....we are truley blesed to not have her in our lives anymore. I know that doesnt sound christian of me...but the bible even says to rebuke the devil ...and she is indeed cursed by the devil. belive it or not we still pray for son still loves her and knows that she is sick and that someday she will be better and they can be a family agian when she is well. when she can accept that I am his mother and he is a child along with many other things. Someday we pray she will come to love the god we love and will live by his guidlines and seek forgivness for the pain she has caused. we pray that she is healed form her " pains" and that she will stop drinking and taking so many perscriptions., we pray that she stop her devias and just plain dishonest practices in both life and work......we pray that she will learn what it means to love unconditionally and learn it doesnt take things to show you love someone and that loving someone doesnt have to be a contest to see who can do it more then the other.......we pray for this andmany other healing things to come into her life and thatshe just overall be touched by the healing hand of Jesus and we pray this in Jesus name.

My golden Child

Here are the pics my friend Jen did of Michael with Gold stuf all around him..its an artistic.."I spy" type photography that she does.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Creative color " I spy" pictures by my friend Jenn

Vienna Sausage wars

Ingredients: Mechanically separated chicken, water, beef, pork,salt, corn syrup, Less than 2% mustard, spices, natural flavorings, dried garlic, sodium nitrite.

Mechanically separated chicken: is the stripped carcass of the bird. Stripped as in all meat has been removed and the only thing left is the tissue, immature sex glands and bone. They take this carcass and, at a high temperature, push it through a sieve. This creates a gray past that then can be used in foods.

Sodium nitrite, with chemical formula NaNO2, is used as a color fixative and preservative in meats and fish. When pure, it is a white to slight yellowish crystalline powder. It is very soluble in water and is hygroscopic. It is also slowly oxidized by oxygen in the air to sodium nitrate, NaNO3. The compound is a strong oxidizing agent. It is also used in manufacturing diazo dyes, nitroso compounds, and other organic compounds; in dyeing and printing textile fabrics and bleaching fibers; in photography; as a laboratory reagent and a corrosion inhibitor; in metal coatings for phosphatizing and detinning; and in the manufacture of rubber chemicals. It may also be used as an electrolyte in electrochemical grinding manufacturing processes, typically diluted to about 10% concentration in water. Sodium nitrite also has been used in human and veterinary medicine as a vasodilator, a bronchodilator, and an antidote for cyanide poisoning.

In other words...ALL THE LEFT OVER PARTS OF ALL THE ANIMALS, jamm packed in tiney penile shape into some Jelly snoty like mixture.......! The epitome of grossness a word? well for today, in Stephanie land, it is...isn't it amazing how our taste buds change, how they mature...I remember as a child adoring the canned processed sausages, that we call Vienna sausages. Of course I thought the Government cheese my mom brought home once a mmonth in the cardboard box was heaven sent were the days. But i digress back to my original thought Vienna sausages...what can I saw? EWE! comes to mind. My children are infatuated with the snotty looking jam packed processed meat! I cant stand it, cant stand the taste, the look and deff the smell. Its reminiscent to cat food...generic cat food that I am sure even my Buster (RIP) would not have touched.Michael claims.." its all protein mom..its good for you" and while i agree its prob a better choice them the honey bun sitting at the deli it really any healthier put something in your body that you really have no idea what the heaven it is. Jen my Friend sent Michael home with some lovely all beef, at last it was only the left over parts of one animal, Vienna sausages. Michael excitidly opened the can, amazing what excites kids these days, and pulls one of the lil penile shaped sausages out of the can and taste it...he says to me "mommy these tastes funny"...I'm thinking.."no really" ..maybe hes coming in to the light...come over to this side Michael....and then he hands me the can...the smell is over powering and i immediately want to gag and when i look into the can i almost do....sitting there floating on top of the snotty concoction that the sausages are packed in is a lilly pad of green and white...the moldy fat pockets mock me...hahahaha.....dare i say GROSSSSSS...jen is trying to kill my how was she to know that of the several hundreds of can she has that she would give my son the one rotten spoiled batch. but in the end, Vienna sausages win the day, as Michael makes me promise to pick him up some fresh cans next time we go the store.....Vienna Sausages may have won this( at least as far as my kids are concerned) ...but never will i waive a white flag when it comes to SPAM!- but thats a whole other blog!