Wednesday, March 25, 2009

the ughh in ...Wanting....

So i really do hate to want....but who doesnt want...want something at some particular point and time in their life. Everybody wants right. People may use a different word such as passion or need or dream..but all in all its a want right. what becomes a problem is when you so desperatly want something that it controlls your every day, its is in every move you make every thought you have...thats where the ughhh comes in.
ughh I so wish i so want to find someone to share my life with, ughh i so wish i had not chosen to get my tubes tied, ughh ughhh ughhhh! I dream almost every night of having more children. I sometimes wonder if it is gods way of punishing me for getting my tubes tied..I dont now! I dream of having twins all the time. Maybe there is a different meaning to the dream, but it seams so real that when I wake up and I look around, I dont see the babies, I get sad. In my dreams i can see them so clearly, hear them and even smell their lil new baby smell. It painsmy heart so much.
Finding someone who will accept not only me as i am but my children i know is going to be a tough thing to do, and maybe it is a path I am destine to take, I dont know about that but maybe. I am willing to change to an extent of not loosing who I am and what makes me happy. I know I want a good man who cares for my kids and loves me, a goodman I can take care of the way a good christan woman is suppose to take care of her man. I know I could make someone a very happy man. I am not just talking about sex either for those wo will read this and snicker. I am talking about truley deeply happy, through better and worse like it is ment to be. UGHH does that love exsist. Also i know we are not suppose to judge, but in reality everyone does..doesthat make it okay...no but, it is there! i see wemen everyday who treattheir men like shit, they make them work their tails off and then expect them to contribute at home too even though all they have done is sit on their ass all day doing nothing. they expect the man to wieght on then hand and foot. not to mention the physical attraction aspect of the fact that they weigh three times as much as i , and have no flippen teeth to boot....and the men stay! why do they do that. I used to think it was because i wasnt pretty enough...but around here standards dont seem to be set to high so what am I doing wrong, why cant I someone who is looking for her King find someone to sit next to me, somene who i can love and adore and cherish every moment with, someone to cuddle with and make love to, someone who i can cook dinner for and be thankful for his contribution to the family. Someone i can hold hands with sometimes or just watch a movie with? ughh i say ughh..I know its wrong of me but if i cant be honest about my feelings in my blog then what am i gonna do? double ughh

Of course i want more money, that would deff make things easier here in my life...but that will come when it comes i guess. UGHH
well thats all for now, everyone is doing well. Mikey is happy and doing well in school and so is Cecelia..only like 6 more weeks of school till summer time here....WOW right seems like just yesterday they were starting school. Ill give that a tripple UGHHH
lol
Steph

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