Saturday, March 28, 2009

Single mom rants

It is so hard to imagine a life alone, and yet not alone. alone in the since of not having that special someone. I heard it explained once as it being a difference between being alone and being lonely. So in a since I guess Im lonely, but never alone.
I never imagined my life to be like this...sitting here at home alone at 2am in the morning blogging...with the tv on for backround noise so i dont feel so alone as the children sleep. It is still snowing and cold outside, the heater is on and i am confortable yet would love to have that special someone to cuddle up nest to and be warm.
I know god has brought me here for a reason...And I would like to think the god i believe in doesnt play games but I do wonder why it is so hard for me to figure out what it is I am suppose to be doing diferently. Am I ment to be alone? I do not think so, but who knows...
It is hard to find a christian guy who is wiling to accept not only me and all my "drama" but also my children and all the blessings they bring with each new day. I say " drama" not because i think I am a drama queen or anything but because any single mom who says there is not " drama" is lying through their teeth....I am just saying, ya know! It is what it is.
On the positive note...I won a radio station contest! I get to ride with a Storm chaser for a day! Oh my goodness I am so excited! I have always wanted to be a storm chaser and always been amazed my the wonders of thunderstorms and tornados and now i canpotentially experiance one first hand in what i am only assuming is as safe as one possible can being that i will be with a an experianced storm chaser. although- the idea of having to sign the release is a little creepy but is what it is. I am taking my son as it will be his 13 birthday in a week...
which makes me digress....who ever thought they would be in a situation as money no support trying to make it on her own...thought I was marrying for life...was goining toprove everyone wrong..statistics and all....and yet here I am. It will what everyone tells me ...WHEN? is all I have to ask them. When?

My Poems

I have been trying to collect all my peoms and put them inone book or something of that matter but I thought i would start by putting them here. More to come as I find them.

Eyes Still Burn
Stephanie Scales

The fires are out,the dust has settled yet our eyes still burn.
Tears from heaven fell on our faces that darkened day
Tears that seared holes in our hearts forever
Tears that stained the faces of many.
Look around and you shall see that there are even streaks apon you and me.
The fires are out the dust has settled
yet our eyes still burn.
The echoing voices of loves ones during their final calls forever rips away any healing scares the emberes have left.
September 11, 2001,The fires are out the dust has settledyet our eyes still burn.

Whisper from God
by Stephanie Scales

He whispered to the little one floating within his mother's womb."
My child, the time is at hand for you to appear.
Angels are with you and you need not fear.""
The world may say it is far to soon and that it is not time.
But my child, I say to them, time is not theirs it's mine
"He whispered to the mother holding her womb tight with fear.
I have a plan for you my dear
You will give birth to a tiny son.
But from there you duties are not done.
This time that should be filled with happiness and joy, will be filled with fear and surely followed by many tears.
But my child if you follow my lead and continue to believe you will see the truth and glory in what I have planned for you.
I give to you doctors with the knowledge of what to do.
The tubes and wire may seem to be too much.
But his tiny body will be comforted my your loving touch.
"The world may say it is far to soon and that it is not time.
But my child, I say to them, time is not theirs it's mine
" Follow my lead and continue to believe you will see the truth and glory in what I have planned for you.
My child, the time is at hand for you to appear.
Angels are with you and you need not fear.
"There is a plan in all I do and there is a reason I have chosen you!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

the ughh in ...Wanting....

So i really do hate to want....but who doesnt want...want something at some particular point and time in their life. Everybody wants right. People may use a different word such as passion or need or dream..but all in all its a want right. what becomes a problem is when you so desperatly want something that it controlls your every day, its is in every move you make every thought you have...thats where the ughhh comes in.
ughh I so wish i so want to find someone to share my life with, ughh i so wish i had not chosen to get my tubes tied, ughh ughhh ughhhh! I dream almost every night of having more children. I sometimes wonder if it is gods way of punishing me for getting my tubes tied..I dont now! I dream of having twins all the time. Maybe there is a different meaning to the dream, but it seams so real that when I wake up and I look around, I dont see the babies, I get sad. In my dreams i can see them so clearly, hear them and even smell their lil new baby smell. It painsmy heart so much.
Finding someone who will accept not only me as i am but my children i know is going to be a tough thing to do, and maybe it is a path I am destine to take, I dont know about that but maybe. I am willing to change to an extent of not loosing who I am and what makes me happy. I know I want a good man who cares for my kids and loves me, a goodman I can take care of the way a good christan woman is suppose to take care of her man. I know I could make someone a very happy man. I am not just talking about sex either for those wo will read this and snicker. I am talking about truley deeply happy, through better and worse like it is ment to be. UGHH does that love exsist. Also i know we are not suppose to judge, but in reality everyone does..doesthat make it but, it is there! i see wemen everyday who treattheir men like shit, they make them work their tails off and then expect them to contribute at home too even though all they have done is sit on their ass all day doing nothing. they expect the man to wieght on then hand and foot. not to mention the physical attraction aspect of the fact that they weigh three times as much as i , and have no flippen teeth to boot....and the men stay! why do they do that. I used to think it was because i wasnt pretty enough...but around here standards dont seem to be set to high so what am I doing wrong, why cant I someone who is looking for her King find someone to sit next to me, somene who i can love and adore and cherish every moment with, someone to cuddle with and make love to, someone who i can cook dinner for and be thankful for his contribution to the family. Someone i can hold hands with sometimes or just watch a movie with? ughh i say ughh..I know its wrong of me but if i cant be honest about my feelings in my blog then what am i gonna do? double ughh

Of course i want more money, that would deff make things easier here in my life...but that will come when it comes i guess. UGHH
well thats all for now, everyone is doing well. Mikey is happy and doing well in school and so is Cecelia..only like 6 more weeks of school till summer time here....WOW right seems like just yesterday they were starting school. Ill give that a tripple UGHHH