Saturday, August 22, 2009

been a while

It has been a while since my last post and my life has been turned up side down..my son is living in a hospital a phyciatric type hospital for the endeffinate future,, and it was not a choice i made...it was somethin that happened that ultamautlly put him there for who knows how long but prob at least a year or more..I miss him so much..he is my baby boy and i miss cuddleing with him on movie nights and even miss his teenage temper tantrums.
I have also just recenlty..like the 17th had surgery I had to have a full hysterectomy do to growths on my overies and other issues ...it was the final step tome never being able tohave another child. It saddnes me terribly.....Im in alot of post op pain but trying to make it through.
I am still very lonely, Looking for MR RIGHT. A good god fearing Christian man who knows how to treat a woman. DOnt know if ill find it or not..but its what im looking for none the less...
SOsorry about such a short update but wanted to drop in while i could..please keep praying ..i can use all i can get in that department.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Medical Update,& more basic life issues

So i had to go to the ER two days ago. The pain just became too overwhelming. For those who do not know. I have Neurofibromatosis. I have serveral tumors off of the nerves that are attached to my spine. Well in adddddition to the " everyday" pain i have to experiance, I was experiancing some extream pains in my Kidney area's. And I know Iknow TMI but was also peeing green pee....Ok sorry but thats the las of the TMI. Anyhow...Even with my pain killers and muscle relazers I just could not take the pain anymore. When i went into ER they did a whole battery of tests. CAT scan, EKG, XRAY, Blood test, urine test, etc etc Pumped me full of fluid and meds and then of course- as usual- said. ...we cant see anything out of the ordinary- never mind the tumors- so were gonna send you home. Now I am sure I was prob dehydrated becasue when I got the fluids it totally helped with some of the pain. They said we do however see a fairly large ovarian cyst and think yo should see your doctor in 3-5 days...UMM did i not tell them i was visiting form OUT OF STATE- LIKE THREE TIMES....seeing my doc in 3-5 days is IMPOSSIBLE . So i gave my doc a call to let her know what was going on and now its just about waiting..waiting to get home to OK then going in to see her, hopefully to get on the track to some pain relief. She is amazing, the best doctor I have ever seen. SHe topped everything off by offering to pray for me before i left my last appointment. That was enough for me. NO doctor has ever offered to do that.. They always think they know everything but at the same time tell me...there is nothing w ecan do to help you.
Do you know how fusterating it is to get turned away from a pain clinic?? They told me that they could not help me! my condition is pretty much untreatable according to them and they cant help me....WHATEVER! I have faith that this new doctor will help me, and eventually I will find some relief.....
It is very difficult to live everyday in pain and still try to be the best mother possible, but I am trying everyday tomake it through and do the very best I can.



CA thus far has been fairly uneventful knock on wood! At least for the most part...there is still alot of drama going on at home, with people making assumptions and comments to others that they prob should not be making...just causing more drama and tension. I fel torn between staying here in CA and going back to OK. SImpley because My step dad doesnt want to take any more meds. He has been having sezuires every other day or so ...and I guess he also does not want to go through Kemo agian....part of me understands and respects his choice, butthe other part of me wants to shake him and say...do you know what this will do to your wife, to your grandkids if youlet yourself die? -Does that sound selfish? I am not trying to sound selfish....I just dont want to deal with any mor eloss in this family. ughh. I have some good friends in POnca city- or at least today they are good friends- we will have to see what tomorrow brings....and good friends here in CA....I really cant afford to live on my own in CA...and have my own place in OK... I have vertually no one to BABYSIT in Ponca-everyone works- but in CA i have Family that can help. In OK i can homeschool Cee, but in CA its a bot harder to do, IN CA she can do her modeling , in OK its a little harder and she cant get the work she is used to getting. I have three really good friends in CA Sarah, Jenny and Angelique. In OK all of my good friends are on a yoyo type thing right now and I feel like I have to tip toe arounds everyone...IN OK i have no x-in laws to try and make my life a living hell- IN ponca I am free to do what i want when i want with my children without fear of them being kidnapped or emotionally abused. those are my delima's.....as of right now i plan on staying in Ok for the -well who knows how long- but what happens if my step dad passes away? what do i do then? do i move to ca and help my mom, does she move down with me? how do i help her and maintain my family structure and peace.
I am just tired, tired of being in pain and tired of questioning everythingin life..and the things i dont question someelse does...and makes me feel like i have to answer to them..as if I owe them?

ugh is the word of choice again today....

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Beach photo's, lifes issues

We went to the beach yesterday. Not something they have in Oklahoma....Its one thing I miss about CA...The beach is so theraputic.....
New stresses:
I dont understand why life has to throw these crazy insane stresses at you...just when you think you got life under controll. Everything used to be so peacful in OK and now I have people who I thougth where friends, saying mean hurtful things, turning their back onme and our friendship....Why am i so disposable to everyone I meet. Why can people so easily turn their backs on me..over stupid things like missunderstandings or stupid little things that should not make a difference. I also feel very USED..like poeple are tollerating me so their lives can be better....I know for some that doesnt make since but its how I feel. As long as I have something to offer, I am so useful to everyone, but as soon as something better comes along, I am thrown out like last weeks trash.
Amongst other things, My friend Jennn is moving to Ponca city, and I love her to death, but the truth is I know shes not moving for me.now where I dont expect her to move " for me" she says i am " part" of the reason she is moving. but in reality I think she moving for Brandon-this guy-see previous blogs. I think if it were not for Brandon...she would not be moving, wether I were here or not....She will be staying with me for a while till she gets her feet on the ground, but I wonder if it will ruin what friendship we have? I pray not. Brandon and I and Brandon's family have been having ...well "issues" .....She( Jennn) will always side with Brandon because she loves him...even if in the end he is wrong...its kinda her duty to side with him right? So if I am- or thought- I was his friend- and yet am so easily disposable to him, then am I the same to her? I dont blame her for taking his side as she belives she is truley in Love with him.....but where does the line get drawn between being someones friend and a friend of someones girlfriend? How much can I take? Why does it always have to be something? What lesson is god trying to teach me? I could get all biblical and say " hes trying to teach me he is my one and only true friend" but then agian I know he did not put us on this earth to walk these battles alone.
That being said part of me wants to stay here and live with Angelique.lol, Go on road trips, and forver be humble toe buddies. -right and all 6 of our kids...we would be well on our way to Crazyville. then agian, I look back at all the things- the good things Ponca city has brought into my life, and while I am still incredibly lonely it is still peaceful. Oddly enough Ponca city has a population of about 26,000 give or take a few hundred-with allth elay offs and all- I have now brought 12 people plus myself and my 2 kids that 14 thats about 3.64% o fthe population that I have increased..if i do my calculations correct....lol But i digress..how can I have so many pepole move to be close to me and yet still be so lonely? I want to feel peacful agian. I also want friends that dont htink im disposable, friends that will stand up for me. Friends that love me despite any character flaws. I just dont know....I think I will pack Angelique up in my suitcase and bring her home with me.....

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

A GOOD THING OUT OF A BAD THING

I am interested in starting a Prayer request on tuesdays. Called "TRUST HIM TUESDAYS"-thanks IVY for the name idea. I was thinking of this becasue out of all this APRIL ROSE stuff that has occured, one good thing came to mind...that was he HIS WILL WEDNESDAYS..I think i will start a whole new blog for it....any ideas or suggestions welcomed. I would also love some help getting the site up and running..ideas about graphics and such..im not sure how to do all that, but would love to learn.
Out of all this B and D and April Rose stuff..I think it would be important to remember the good she brought forth, and continue to pray for her as she obviously is in need of prayers and compassion right now. why not take something good out of something bad???
curious to know what everyone thinks

My Birthday, trip to Ca , other stuff...

My birthday was Okay, Uneventful... really. Spent some time with a friend and some with Family. we tookt he kids to Chucky Cheese's = they got way to over stimulated and had a hard time getting them to settle down for the evening.Cecelia and Mikey got me a new outfit for my Birthday and that was nice. The kids for the most part listened for the most part, and I appreciated that.

I have been in alot of pain lately. I hate taking medication all the time, but also hate being in
pain on an everyday basis...so its a lets take the lesser of two evils..right? Ughh. still cant find a decent doctor to help. Neurofibromatosis is either not known enough about or so well known that they know there is no cure so they figure they cant help and well thats that....my tumor that i have in my jaw is huge in comparrasion but its the one in my back that hurts..feels like i have a constant kidney infection. I constantly pray for comfort, i suppsoe the fact that i am able to sit here and type this right now is in itself a gift from god.



Here is a pic of me and my kids.


Mikeys been doing okay. The doctors are lowering his medication. For those who do not know mikey has been hospitalized three times this past 1.5 years for phyciatric reasons. The doctors feel he isprob suffering from Bi-polar but say hes to young to offically diognose it as being that . He also had ODD- oppositional defiant disorder and ADHD..on top of all of that he also has Hyperthioridism. I never wanted to believe in the whole ADHD ODD bi-polar thing..but when your 10-11 year old child is talkining about suicide and putting holes in your walls, breaking windows and has a glazed look in their eyes then not two second later is crying , then another min later is a sweet as can be...it kinda makes you wonder. Most of which of what is going on with himis i think enviormental...he had an very abusive family member who verbally, and emotionally abused him for many many years.....he is really just now begining to heal from that.


As for the hyperthiroidism, we are working on his diet, and other way to help him. He does take med s for it, but i think the proper diet will help more then any meds will. Its interesting to find out the foods he likes and doesnt like...his new fav..Jazmine rice and tofu? -who would have thought right.



Cecelia is starting to show more signs that she might also have Neurofibromatosis. we had prayed that she , as mikey is, would be NF free. Cecelia is starting to show more spots on her tummy and under her arm area. She is mixed with African American so its harder to tell becasue her skin is darker. I suppose when we get home I will have to have her tested. I am not looking foward to that process..even though its a simple blood test, the thought of my daughter having to go through anything like i had to go through when i was a child is just...well frightening.


well that is about all i have in me for now...Still kinda blown away by this whole April Rose thing..trying to be a good christian woman, not judge, but its sad and I am saddened by the pain and lonlelyness this woman must be feeling to have made up something so big. I am sure everyone - well most agree.




Will be back later.



April Rose baby

So i have been following this April Rose blog for some time and am really confused and shocked at the recent heat as well as the developments of this blog. I dont know if it is true or false, to me, although it is disturbing if false, in the end really doesnt matter....I think the question everyone needs to be asking is Why were we brought to this persons blog, My firend s Sarah says everything happens for a reason. I agree, so why were we drawn to this person blog. True or false she offered us all something we needed. Even if APril does and never did exsist, look at all the good she did, all the praise she brought into our lives and all the prayers she shared. She linked so many others together through His will wednesdays..people who may not have found eachother without her blog. So why do we sit back and judge her, yes maybe she is " Bearing false witness" which in itself is a sin...but who are we to do anything less then jesus did when he wlaked upon MAry being stoned by the towns people.....I think we need to focus more on the positive and on Jesus's words.." let he who hath never sined beofor cast thy first stone"...
So maybe this lil girl doesnt exsist and maybe this woman has toyed with our emotions and maybe we have been praying for a baby that doesnt exsist, and yes maybe its harder for those who have lost a baby..no doubt. But I would like to think it would almost be a RELIEF if this turned out to be a fake, then at least someone who has lost a infant or child would know that someone else would not be feelinhg that overwhelming pain and loss. Thats just my opinion. Maybe i m too forgiving, I dont know, but I do know I am not ready to turn my back on this woman who obviously needs prayers..no matter how you look at it. Who am I to say anything more..then God bless you sister and help to heal you mind and heart. Agian..just my opinion.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

BIRTHDAY BLOG

OK so pics will have to wait untill tomorrow...MY BIRTHDAY BLOG

Fustrating...where to God?

FUSTRATING 1 :
I tookthe kids to Johns Incredible pizza yesterday, actually my sister in law paid but we all went ....anyways..its very fusterating to me to try and be the " bigger" person...to be the Christian..one of the bunch...to not judge or say something mean or retalitory-is that even a word?..Anyways, a lil backround, my family has always treated me differently, I think partially due tothe fact that I was always sick as a kid...
I think my bro and sister actually resent me for being sick...They both treat me like crap, even as an adult..they both act as if they are better then me and they say mean and hateful things all the time..to the point where i dont even want to be a part of their lives,,,,,,and yet..I love my nieces and nephews.So thats where the " shut up and take it" comes in..I feel like if i want tohave anything to do with my nieces and nephews, I have to sit back and take their abusive words.
My niece has Cystic Fibrosis and we dont know how long she will be with us..we are praying for her and hope her health will continue to get better. but still its the not know-ing that is hard. I am sure she will lead a full and happy life, i just pray my sister will include me in her life and yet i am affraid if i say one thing wrong....thats it shes outta my life, just like my brother did with my nephew...
WHen did family become so disposable?
FUSTRATING

FUSTRATING 2:
I cannot figure out what it is God has planned for me...I will be 32 years old tomorrow and I have done nothing with my life, What mark will I leave what legacey will i leave my children? I cant work because of the pain and other issues my tumors cause...I have considered writting childrens books baout neurofibromatosis or cystic fibrosis or even just general medical issues kids have to go through, thought about making a photography book about autism, thought about taking photography classes and becoming a photographer for NILMDTS, ..goodness so many things that i htink im being called to do..but do not know for sure...i dont think i have enough confidence in myself to do anything....I want to but just dont....FUSTRATING

FUSTRATING3
for some reason I have been tortuing myself with these really sad blogs about these amazing wemen who deliver beautiful babies that go to hevean- way before what should be their time...I mean these wemen are incredible and i cant even imagine the pain they are going through...I think God may have in a way brought me to them for some reason, but i cant figure out why? I at some times think they were brought to me..to make me appreciate my kids more, but that in itself is so hard and difficult...because now i feel guilty every time i feel like " i need a break" I think of these wemen who would kill to have a screaming child in their arms or a temper tantrum throwing 6 year old....and yet here i am complaining about it..I love my kids so much....would not trade them for the world..i have to at times rememebr i am a single mom with vitually no support who herself has medical issues and a son with major medical/mental issues and i am doing the best i can with what god has given me.......and yet its so FUSTRATING

so while i pray for the healing hearts of these wemen who have lost their children, i also pray that god shows me what path i am suppose to take here and why he has brought me where he has....

Where to know God?

another post here in a few / more pics of the kids

Thursday, June 4, 2009

blog

I started this blog as more of just a diary..its kinda slowly turned into more then that...if you are reading this you will see i dont pay a whole lot of attention to grammer or punctuation, sometimes my spelling is even poor..its not that i dont care...I just have a really hard time sometimes, and I feel like i am being more real if i just type what i feel, when i feel it. Most of the time I do go throug it, but maybe it is that i just dont care sometimes...Uggh i dont know..I am also very moody..I know im depressed and will prob at times seem very bi-polar in my blogging..happy one min- sad the next- reflective then angry...like i said its kinda mor eof a diary then anything so im not to worried about how i look to others as far as the blog is concerned. I love the prayers and input advice and well wishes..they are so inspiring and I appreciate it. Thank you

Neurofibromatosis

NF
Neurofibromatosis is a neurocutaneous syndrome passed down through the parents' genes, and it affects the brain, spinal cord, nerves, skin, and other systems in the body.
Neurofibromatosis is defined by tumors, called neurofibromas, that grow along nerves in the body, or on or under the skin. As the tumors increase in size, they can press on vital areas of the body, causing problems in the way the body functions.
Neurofibromas often first appear in childhood, especially during puberty. The first noticeable sign is almost always the presence of brown cafĂ© au lait spots. These distinctive spots don't hurt or itch and never progress to anything more serious than spots. They can be found anywhere on the body, though not usually on the face. Tiny ones — freckles — may be seen under the arms or in the groin area.
Many neurofibromas can be removed. Although usually benign (noncancerous), an estimated 3%-5% become cancerous.
Of the two types of neurofibromatosis — NF1 and NF2 — NF1 is more common, occurring in 1 of every 4,000 births and affecting an estimated 100,000 Americans. It is also known as von Recklinghausen disease.
NF2 is characterized by the presence of bilateral acoustic neurofibroma-like tumors and is rarer, seen in 1 in 50,000 births. People with NF2 usually develop benign tumors on the nerves in their ears, causing hearing loss, eventual deafness, and problems with balance.
The severity of both types of neurofibromatosis varies greatly. In families where more than one person has NF, it can present with different physical signs and complications for each person. At diagnosis, it isn't possible to know right away whether a case will be mild or lead to severe complications


ME
I have NF1 with some characteristics of NF2. I have a very large plexiform tumor : the doctors decribed it as thousands of lil grapes on a blood vien all over the place- this tumor is very large and covers basiclly my entire left side of my skull. its painful and I have severe Migranes, many times having to go to ER for relief. Its so hard to contantly hear " theres nothing we can do"...EVEn the world top Neurosurgeon-the one who seperated the famous twins conjoined at he head...not even he could help me. The pain clinic recently turned me away..telling me there was nothing they could do to help. UGHH Ive tried all my life to not feel sorry for myself and to try and be strong..but lately..Im just feeling beat down.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

So tired

of being alone. Am i destined to be alone the rest of my life? a single mom, on a path for jesus but alone? id ont even know what toblog right now...just needed a min to vent. I feel so selfish blogging about me and what I want or need..when so many others out there need so much more. I just want to share the jopy of the lord jesus christ with someone who will grow with me in my journey...is that so wrong? so many mothers are holding their dying children as we speak, and I am praying for a husband...pretty selfish it seems and yet i feel comppelled to pray and to ask..when lord when will it be my turn? when will I have that love you describe in the words we all read? when?

so its been a few hours since i started this blog tonight and I have been reflecting and praying.I wonder if i am not good enough sometimes to be walking this path with jesus...I know it is prob the devil talkin in my heart making me feel this way, but then agian i just dont know sometimes. gosh i prob sound so confused. The thing is, I dont understand why Jesus just cant be enough. why cant he be enough for me? I know he did not intend us to be alone right I mean hemade Adam and Eve...Ughh

I will continue to pray and hope that, no..know that God has a plan for me and I will someday find the peace I need. It may or may not be in the arms of another, but it will be as my fellow blooger friend says " his will" I pray "his will" will bring me peace.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

a freind






My friend from Highschool Jenn is here visiting with me before i leave for CA she is so much fun to be around, her and I have alot in common, two kids, failed marriage, etc etc. She is an amazing photoghgrapoher and loves to take candid , artsy type photos..she did the "teal" pic of me and the gold pics of mikey.


she is dating Brandon now,a guy that imet here in Ponca. For a while i really liked him, like more then friends liked him...but nothing agianst him personally just as we got closer i realized how different we were. In fact we discusses it form the very begining her and I, that we were uncompatible..soto speak....He is a great guy,just not the guy for me and me not the woman for him werefrom two totally differnt worlds...lol..! BUt i swear I am going to get a name tag that says forever the matchmaker or forever the not the brides maid...i often "hook"people up into these wonderulf long lasting relationships, and yet ahve to be a bridesmaid or anything like that.....never the less, I am happy for Brandon and Jenn because at least now i can have both of them in my lives still. they really do make a cute couple. and Brandon is still soo awsome with Mikey! It s ablessing to have him as a friend in our lives.

Jenn and mikey get along great too! but thats always the case with someone new...mikey sweetens them up then BAM hell show the jekel side of him...LOL we love him all the same..it just happens to be the way it is. He is a great kid and loves the attention...I just wish i had the patients I used to have with him. He means so much to me, I wantto help him in any way i can...I do get jealous when he acts all nice andperfect with other people then is "monsterish" with me...I know I should not but i feel so unlovedsometimes and I wonder if the damage his grandmother has done is permanant ?
Well thats all for now...maybe some more later.

Vacation or not?

So , it is saturday night and on tuesday morn we leave for CA..I am so nervous. Affraid of runing into people I do not want to see people who have no right to have anything what so ever to do with mikey becasue of the evil hatful things thay have dont to him and our family. Not a single one of them respects me or the fact that I am mikeys Mother and I DO know whats best for him not them..so in addition to that I also have to deal with the fact that my step dad has cancer and just had surgery to replace the right part of his hip ( the main reason were all going) so i can help out as much as possible. I have decided to join a gym while i am there, I hope to loose 20-30 ponds..I plan on taking Mikey with me 4-5 times a week if notmore. He is old enough now to where we can workout togetehr on the floor at Ca family fitness. Ilook foward to our bonding time together, Cece will get to visit her grandma and papa and her cousins and all that good stuff. I amgoing to start to try and blog daily aboutmy wieght loss and how everything is going while i am in CA..we will see how that goes.
thats is for now.

I am looking foward tovisiting with my new niece, ABIGAIL! I cant wait to see her. She is so pretty and I Miss her mommy terribly!
Steph

Friday, May 15, 2009

Just some proud mommy pics of the kids
















a picture?


Some say a picture can say a thousdand words....I dont always agree...maybe in times it can ...but i also think that pic can be decieving. I have been having a rough week with Michael. I soo want to help him but can not figure out what he needs. I have beenn offered so many different opinions and " ways of doing things" and yet nothing seems to work..nothing make him " happy"..he is so angry and fisterated it saddens me...and sometimes scares me. I know ihe loves me, I just wish he could show it. HE is such a good kid, hes smart and very handsome, a great actor, thats for sure! and hes funny and can be so polite, and then there is the JEKEL side -as we call it- The docotors dont want to sayitis Bi-POlar becasue theysay hes too young to be dignosed with it but they still treat him with bi polar meds...and Im just so fusteerated becasue evry doc we see wants to try something new, take himoff of one med and put him on another...every time we find one that works..they want to change it. I love my son so very much and I Just pray thatthe Lord jesus christ grant me the strength to be the mom he needs and that he be healedof these demons that haunt him and that he be whole as god intend us to be. That he be happy and healthy. I would give my life for my children, and the lord knows how hard I have treid to help my boy, but im running out of options on how to help him and every time i fail or he has another " fit"- lets just call itthat for now- I feel less and less like a good parent, like there is something I am missing or could be doing better for him.....I now in reality he is wher ehe should be, home with me, but i guess its just natural to feel like a failure when you son is unhappy no matter what you do. I so wish i could go back in time and change things, not for me but for him ..I just want him to be happy.
somedays are soo good and other drag on forever. what can I do..im lost...I am here with no family...very lil friends, alone trying to make things work..trying to focus on whats important, GOD & children.....I know i am here for a reason , God brought me here..maybe to get away from all the outside influances that were damaging my son, maybe for other reasons..I have not figured it out yet, I just know there is a reason and I will continue to praise the lord even in this stormy time and I will continue to thank the lord for my blessings and maybe someday i know my purpose and maybe someday we WE as a fmaily can find peace. for more then just a snapshot.

I dontmean to sound like a selfish person, and hope thats not how this is coming through in my blog...Iguess i am using this more as a diary type fourum then anything else...However..if someone should read this and have any advice I would love to hear it and Prayers are always alsways welcome!
Thanks

Loss of the twins and Cecelia's Pregnancy

WARNING: NOTTHE WORLDS BEST BLOGGER

Ok someone asked me about my pregancies so so i thought i would write blog about the "twins" then my preg with Cecelia (cece) so that I can have a record of my thoughts and feeling and what be it. Maybe later ill write about my preg with Michael- aside from the birth it was somewhat uneventful-praise the lord. Maybe I can inspire someone out there to know that Doctors are not always right..

Ok so on about dec 16th I found out i was pregnant, we were so excited because we had been trying for many years. On dec 28th i started bleeding, I had already had one miscarriage before my son was born so i figured it was prob happening agian and was devistated. the doctors confirmed it and on dec 31 the doc confirmed it when i went to ER because bleeding was out of controll...I sat in the ER untill almost midnight ( NEW YEARS EVE) when I was finaly called back...the the Doc said yup your dialated your having a misscarriage. Well have to do a DNC...so i was moved into another room when much to my surprise a Female doc who was 7 tmonth( i asked) preg was goingt o do my DNC- WTF? notonly that but in themiddle of the DNC the Operator yelled over the intercom " HAPPY NEW YEAR" I was devistated but finally allowed to go home..the doctors monitored my blood work for another two weeks and the i got a call...." stephanie, how are you feeling"? umm " houw am i suppose to fee?" " well honey your still pregnant the blood work is rising and we think you ALSO have a tubal" shocked beyond belief i made my way back to the hospital where they confirmed there was a second Preg in my tubes...and it was nearly bursting atthis point (10-12 weeks preg) the doc said I had a rare cause of twins where one developes in the tubes and one in the uterous..the tubal prob caused the poisions that caused me to loose the one that made it to uterous and then i had to have the second one disolved....eww sounds horrible...dissolve mybaby what are you talking about....he responded thatit wasnt really a baby that it had stopped growing and was a growth of tissue at thispoint i made him look for a heartbeat and there was not one...sadley it did not even nlook like a baby, the doc gave me the shot and sent me home to grieve. I see it as if i have my two babies waiting in heaven..they didnt make it here on earth but will see me in heavean.


November : 1 year later I found out i was pregnant with my daughter, to the day one year later on dec 31st I started to bleed agian, rushed in to ER and they said we cant find a heart beat and what they said next horrified me...the said and i kid you not " go home and expell your preganacy" I scoffed and said WHAT...what do you mean..they said there wasnothing they could do and that i should just go home till thepreg was "expelled" when i asked them what was i suppose to do with itthen..they said..it wont resemble anything its just tissues most people at your stage dont even know there preg and flush it down the toilette...I reitterated that i was nearly 10 weeks and they refused to help....My husband sat in the chair looking at me and said " if this baby makes it you can name it whatever you want" i said " her name is cecelia" he was shocked and said " whatif its a boy..?" i said
" her name is cecelia" he chuckled butwas devistated......I went home and waited for the worse...but the blleding stopped..two weeks later i went in to see my doctor and he found my precious baby girls heart beat..he said she was small but there and to rest....My ENTIRE preg i bleed..turns outi had a brusie on my placenta that collected blood then spilled out when full...My baby girl swallowed alot of the blood and had many issues while in utero..but was finally born healthy and happy on July 30th 2002 via c-section. Im so blessed to have both my daughter and my son, and we may have our difficult times but at least I have them here and canhold them and tell them i love them and experiance allthe things EVERY parent should be able to experiance ...Good and Bad...I just wish and pray that other mommys and daddies that have lost lil ones can have conforted hearts and that they will know the love of our Lord Jesus Christ and that they too will experiance the good the bad, the ugly and the beautiful of being parents.



Sunday, May 10, 2009

Reflective thoughts???

Okay here it goes..First of all for some reason God has led me to some interesting/life changing blogs lately...
I had been exploring the idea of doing photography as well as making children's clothing of some sort...not every day clothing but special occasion wear...and more so for tiny preemies. Well oddly enough God led me to some blogs, seriously..Don't even know how i found them......they were sad but humbling...i was sitting there just before crying and excuse my Lang but bitching about how much i needed a break and how crazy my kids were driving me....and then i come across these blogs about these amazing women who have lost their precious babies for one reason or another and then i remember my preg with Cecelia and the loss of the twins and I think about OMG what if i had lost Cece too...I came so close that i actually had a casket picked out online for her...how sad is that, i was at one point even told to consider contacting NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP, which is were i first learned of this program of photographers that shoot grievance photos of children who either are dying or already deceased and they do it in such a way that its not gross or morbid or anything it is amazing and beautiful. I will share my story Preg w/ Cece later. Anyhow I have always had an interest in helping premature infants and wanted to become a pediatric care nurse in the ICU-that never happened-may still but not of yet- another dream was to be a photographer of children much like Anne Getties-hope I spelled her name right. After Cece was born , she was 6lbs 5oz but skin and bones, nothing fither...for 2-3 months we had to put doll clothes on her i believe she was 3 months before preemie clothes finally fit. it was crazy....which lead me into wanted to explore making tiny baby clothes....now what if i was to combine all of these things and make tiny clothes for these babys that are 1lb 2lbs 3lbs or even less what if these grieving moms who may have lost their baby had something that actually fit their child...I don't know..I wonder....its not like i can just ask...so I'm not sure how to market the idea...it would not be to make money off of...i could be a non profit organization and donate the money to different research causes...more specifically the ones that are being ignored due to lack of education. I have also contacted NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP to see what i would need to do to become a Photographer for their organization, I now they do training....but what else do indeed as far as supplies and ect.
and then with everything I have read and reflected on i can sit back and take a deep breath and I can thank the lord for all the hair pulling and biting and hitting and tattling he did this she took that..i can relish in the fat that i can hold children close and say I love you and no matter how old they get i can sing them lullabies..and although being a single mother of two children, one of which has special needs, is a challenging job to say the least, I have tried my hardest to do good by them and by god, and i can only pray that i have doe right by them by giving them all i have to give and by raising them to know the lord.
Thank you fr reading my blog, I know sometimes i jump around with my thoughts ..I try and stay as on point as I can, but i also justtype whati feel..hopefully the idea of what i am trying to say is clear and I would love to hear your opinions..Thanks and God bless

Whisper From GOD!

A whisper from God!
by Stephanie Scales
He whispered to the little one floating within his mother's womb.
"My child, the time is at hand for you to appear.
Angels are with you and you need not fear.

"The world may say it is far to soon and that it is not time.
But my child, I say to them, time is not theirs it's mine

"He whispered to the mother holding her womb tight with fear.
I have a plan for you my dearYou will give birth to a tiny son.
But from there you duties are not done.

This time that should be filled with happiness and joy,
will be filled with fear and surely followed by many tears.

But my child if you follow my lead and continue to believe
you will see the truth and glory in what I have planned for you.
I give to you doctors with the knowledge of what to do.

The tubes and wires may seem to be too much.
But his tiny body will be comforted my your loving touch.
"The world may say it is far to soon and that it is not time.
But my child, I say to them, time is not theirs it's mine "
Follow my lead and continue to believe you will see the truth and glory in what I have planned for you.

My child, the time is at hand for you to appear.
Angels are with you and you need not fear.

"There is a plan in all I do and there is a reason I have chosen you!

old blogs from myspace moving here to save deleting myspace

Saturday, November 22, 2008
A new outlook about worrying about Holidays, money etc. Category: Religion and Philosophy
I was listening to a radio station yesterday and this is what I heard. I liked it so much I though I would share. The message started by saying..worriers are atheist..for if you worry you do not believe in god. The Dj referenced Mathew 6: Therefore I say unto you, Take no bthought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?
Seek 1st his kingdom and all these other things will follow and you do not have to worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Therefore I tell you do not worry about your life.
So I say unto all of my friends and family members who care to read my blogs...Dont be an athiest...belive in God and dont worry! whats ment to happen will happen whats ment to be will be.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Holidays suck-updated
I hate holidays....they are so freakin depressing. Its just a commercialized way to break you down finacially not to mention the emotional stress some go thoruh if you havent got someone to share it with. as someone once told me,..... There is a difference betwen being alone and being lonely. yes i have my daughter here and yes my son will be with me at christmas but I am so flippin lonely and it sucks. I really dont think god eer inteneded humans to be lonely...The world today has put so much into looks and who has more money stuf like that..... I am not even really talking about sex.....more so some companionship..someone to cuddle up with on the couch and watch a movie....someone to share memories with....ughh it just sucks. and seems so unfair.
things are so much more peacful here since i moved to Ok.. Sacramento was so busy and everyone is always on the go..gotta do this or gotta do that, no ne ever stops to think or reflect.or loe for that matter..i mean really truley love. Here even though i am as lonely as hell, there is an oerwhelming since of peace that i have here knowing that i am where i am suppose to be now. Now if only i could have someone to share it with...someone who would sit outside and watch these amazing thunderstorms with, or watch the stars at night, someone who would go to church with me go to diner with friends...just enjoy being here with me.sighhh
its amazing what you take for granted....i think that everyone who has someone..when you aurgue and fight...its just amazing to think what it would be like without that person...lay in bed and imagine not having that person there ever agian....

sad Current mood:Reflectie
Ughh..i am so sad right now. Mikey left last night. he went back to his dads house. Its so sad because he practically begged me to " keep" him. its not as if i dont want him i wish he could undertsand how much i do want him. i tried to explaine to him that at his dads he has his own room and he has better doctors and brothers to play with. Yes i am more stable . expecialy now that i am far away from phyco grandma, I wish I could have him here eery day but i know that right now he is in the best plce he can be and I hope that he doesnt resent me or cecelia in any way. I hope that he sees where is is the best for him right now and that i made the right decison for him. I loe him so much.

SO in additon to that Cecelia has the impression that she will not see or een talk to her daddy untill christmas time and she has resiend herself intro thinking thats okay. she says to me out of the blue in the most precious but adult way..." well i supose ill just hae to deal with it" and i asked her what it was she had to deal with..she says " well you know mommy the situtation with my daddy"...WTF...this girl is talking like an adult " the sitation she says...so i asked her what she meant...she says " well mommy isint it obiouse..daddys in a truck he wont be able to see me for quit a while" OMG who am i talking to i thought to myself....such a little adult...so i explained agian that daddy loed her and would try his best to see her when he could. she asked to callhim and when i tried it went to a recording she says to me " well that figures mommy..just when i wanna talk to my dad the stupid recording tells me its not agood time"...lol i just cant believ some of the things she says sometimes...

today’s excitment! Category: Life
Well today was a first for Cece...she was playing outside with Anthony..she came inside crying....not a normal cry but one of those cries where you as a mom know something just is not right....she was cradling her hand so I asked what was wrong and she showed me her hand...her pinkie was twisted off to the side and turning purple..i grabbed her hand to take a closer look and when I touched her her pinkie popped and Cece Screamed and cried. I took her to the clinic and they said it deff. dislocated and took xray to make sure it was back in place and it was..they said they did not see any fractures. The doc said its a pretty bad sprain and if she still is in pain on monday to come back Monday. My poor baby!here are the pics one is of her finger bandaged up in the splint the other is her cricked swollen pinkie poor baby!
sorry pics didnt turn out

SAVE A MARRIAGE
MARRIAGEWhen I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore.I just pitied her!With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into our bridal room on our wedding day.She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding Mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.On the second day, both of us acted much more easily.She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry Mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.I drove to office... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank, blah.. Blah.. Blah.. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy.
Do have a real happy marriage!If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.If you do, you just might save a marriage.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

toothless


Okay so its not the most flattering pic...but she is so proud to have lost her 1st front tooth ..I had to share!

Amazing grace

I say amazing grace because it is by the grace of god that i have come across some blogs lately that have really made me sit back and wonder what the hell im whinning about.. these amazing wemen found out their babies were going to be born with fatal disabilities and yet they carried them as long as they could and held their babies in thier arms until they went tohevan. These wemen would give anything to deal with all this sibling rivalry and drama that I am dealing with, these wemen would love to be a stressed out single mom..if it ment having their babies back in thier arms agian. Its just amazing their strength and compassion still even after such a loss...I dont know that i could be so strong. and thier faith in god...how amazing is that to have such faith and love even after loosing your baby.....I owuld like to think i would still praise our lord even in the storm, but i dont even wantto pretend thati have a clue whatthey are going through...its just simply amazing and I dont think i have the words to discribe what their stories have done for me....I only wish their was something I could do in return....


God help me , this does not mean i will stop my venting about my wooos but i do think it will help me to appreciate a little more every day the things i do have and the two beautiful growing children whom I love with all my heart. Thank you to all you beautiful wemen out there who despite your loss , still carry a torch for jesus and have shared your story of faith.

Friday, May 8, 2009

overall mikey update

Michael has gotten much better, but still has rages. he is much happier here, ther ei sroom to run andplay and he is much healthier too, for both mental and physical reasons.... the air is better here. he has more friends here and more help form schools then we have ever gotten.
He does still get angry. It sucks to see him get so angry over little things I wish so badley i had been able to remove him from h eevil witch's grasp sooner then we did...the damage may have been less severe. I still dont think she knows how much she messed him up. The emotional abuse and parental and sibling alienation tatics she used have forever scared him...and yet it wa sher way of doing things...no body truley knows what else she did to my poor lil boy...but he is messed up beyond belief and i do blame a good portion of it on her. I know the bible says to forgive, but dont they first have to seek forgiveness...what if they to are ill and dont even know that they did worng, or dont want to admit they did wrong. I wish i could find the answer to help him with all his needs....but no matter what i do to help ...nothing changes...i so wish i had the answers. His grades are better and he is slowley learning to accept " no" is an asnswer thatreal people recieve sometimes..this also attributed to the lovely person I refer to as the witch. She gave him anything and everythinghe ever wanted...." whats wrong with that"one may ask...well imagine being handed everything on a silver platter all your life then suddenly being thrusted into the real world...and being told no for the first time...imagine that and times it by a million and you will know how my son has been effected by this....she was literly coddeling and smothering him to the point where he was not learning any real life skills.....we are truley blesed to not have her in our lives anymore. I know that doesnt sound christian of me...but the bible even says to rebuke the devil ...and she is indeed cursed by the devil. belive it or not we still pray for her...my son still loves her and knows that she is sick and that someday she will be better and they can be a family agian when she is well. when she can accept that I am his mother and he is a child along with many other things. Someday we pray she will come to love the god we love and will live by his guidlines and seek forgivness for the pain she has caused. we pray that she is healed form her " pains" and that she will stop drinking and taking so many perscriptions., we pray that she stop her devias and just plain dishonest practices in both life and work......we pray that she will learn what it means to love unconditionally and learn it doesnt take things to show you love someone and that loving someone doesnt have to be a contest to see who can do it more then the other.......we pray for this andmany other healing things to come into her life and thatshe just overall be touched by the healing hand of Jesus and we pray this in Jesus name.

My golden Child





Here are the pics my friend Jen did of Michael with Gold stuf all around him..its an artistic.."I spy" type photography that she does.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Creative color " I spy" pictures by my friend Jenn







Vienna Sausage wars

Ingredients: Mechanically separated chicken, water, beef, pork,salt, corn syrup, Less than 2% mustard, spices, natural flavorings, dried garlic, sodium nitrite.

Mechanically separated chicken: is the stripped carcass of the bird. Stripped as in all meat has been removed and the only thing left is the tissue, immature sex glands and bone. They take this carcass and, at a high temperature, push it through a sieve. This creates a gray past that then can be used in foods.

Sodium nitrite, with chemical formula NaNO2, is used as a color fixative and preservative in meats and fish. When pure, it is a white to slight yellowish crystalline powder. It is very soluble in water and is hygroscopic. It is also slowly oxidized by oxygen in the air to sodium nitrate, NaNO3. The compound is a strong oxidizing agent. It is also used in manufacturing diazo dyes, nitroso compounds, and other organic compounds; in dyeing and printing textile fabrics and bleaching fibers; in photography; as a laboratory reagent and a corrosion inhibitor; in metal coatings for phosphatizing and detinning; and in the manufacture of rubber chemicals. It may also be used as an electrolyte in electrochemical grinding manufacturing processes, typically diluted to about 10% concentration in water. Sodium nitrite also has been used in human and veterinary medicine as a vasodilator, a bronchodilator, and an antidote for cyanide poisoning.

In other words...ALL THE LEFT OVER PARTS OF ALL THE ANIMALS, jamm packed in tiney penile shape into some Jelly snoty like mixture.......! The epitome of grossness...is grossness a word? well for today, in Stephanie land, it is...isn't it amazing how our taste buds change, how they mature...I remember as a child adoring the canned processed sausages, that we call Vienna sausages. Of course I thought the Government cheese my mom brought home once a mmonth in the cardboard box was heaven sent too...lol...Those were the days. But i digress back to my original thought Vienna sausages...what can I saw? EWE! comes to mind. My children are infatuated with the snotty looking jam packed processed meat! I cant stand it, cant stand the taste, the look and deff the smell. Its reminiscent to cat food...generic cat food that I am sure even my Buster (RIP) would not have touched.Michael claims.." its all protein mom..its good for you" and while i agree its prob a better choice them the honey bun sitting at the deli counter...is it really any healthier put something in your body that you really have no idea what the heaven it is. Jen my Friend sent Michael home with some lovely all beef, at last it was only the left over parts of one animal, Vienna sausages. Michael excitidly opened the can, amazing what excites kids these days, and pulls one of the lil penile shaped sausages out of the can and taste it...he says to me "mommy these tastes funny"...I'm thinking.."no really" ..maybe hes coming in to the light...come over to this side Michael....and then he hands me the can...the smell is over powering and i immediately want to gag and when i look into the can i almost do....sitting there floating on top of the snotty concoction that the sausages are packed in is a lilly pad of green and white...the moldy fat pockets mock me...hahahaha.....dare i say GROSSSSSS...jen is trying to kill my children...lol how was she to know that of the several hundreds of can she has that she would give my son the one rotten spoiled batch. but in the end, Vienna sausages win the day, as Michael makes me promise to pick him up some fresh cans next time we go the store.....Vienna Sausages may have won this( at least as far as my kids are concerned) ...but never will i waive a white flag when it comes to SPAM!- but thats a whole other blog!

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Single mom rants

It is so hard to imagine a life alone, and yet not alone. alone in the since of not having that special someone. I heard it explained once as it being a difference between being alone and being lonely. So in a since I guess Im lonely, but never alone.
I never imagined my life to be like this...sitting here at home alone at 2am in the morning blogging...with the tv on for backround noise so i dont feel so alone as the children sleep. It is still snowing and cold outside, the heater is on and i am confortable yet would love to have that special someone to cuddle up nest to and be warm.
I know god has brought me here for a reason...And I would like to think the god i believe in doesnt play games but I do wonder why it is so hard for me to figure out what it is I am suppose to be doing diferently. Am I ment to be alone? I do not think so, but who knows...
It is hard to find a christian guy who is wiling to accept not only me and all my "drama" but also my children and all the blessings they bring with each new day. I say " drama" not because i think I am a drama queen or anything but because any single mom who says there is not " drama" is lying through their teeth....I am just saying, ya know! It is what it is.
On the positive note...I won a radio station contest! I get to ride with a Storm chaser for a day! Oh my goodness I am so excited! I have always wanted to be a storm chaser and always been amazed my the wonders of thunderstorms and tornados and now i canpotentially experiance one first hand in what i am only assuming is as safe as one possible can being that i will be with a an experianced storm chaser. although- the idea of having to sign the release is a little creepy but is what it is. I am taking my son as it will be his 13 birthday in a week...
which makes me digress....who ever thought they would be in a situation as I....no money no support trying to make it on her own...thought I was marrying for life...was goining toprove everyone wrong..statistics and all....and yet here I am. It will happen...is what everyone tells me ...WHEN? is all I have to ask them. When?

My Poems

I have been trying to collect all my peoms and put them inone book or something of that matter but I thought i would start by putting them here. More to come as I find them.



Eyes Still Burn
Stephanie Scales

The fires are out,the dust has settled yet our eyes still burn.
Tears from heaven fell on our faces that darkened day
Tears that seared holes in our hearts forever
Tears that stained the faces of many.
Look around and you shall see that there are even streaks apon you and me.
The fires are out the dust has settled
yet our eyes still burn.
The echoing voices of loves ones during their final calls forever rips away any healing scares the emberes have left.
September 11, 2001,The fires are out the dust has settledyet our eyes still burn.


Whisper from God
by Stephanie Scales

He whispered to the little one floating within his mother's womb."
My child, the time is at hand for you to appear.
Angels are with you and you need not fear.""
The world may say it is far to soon and that it is not time.
But my child, I say to them, time is not theirs it's mine
"He whispered to the mother holding her womb tight with fear.
I have a plan for you my dear
You will give birth to a tiny son.
But from there you duties are not done.
This time that should be filled with happiness and joy, will be filled with fear and surely followed by many tears.
But my child if you follow my lead and continue to believe you will see the truth and glory in what I have planned for you.
I give to you doctors with the knowledge of what to do.
The tubes and wire may seem to be too much.
But his tiny body will be comforted my your loving touch.
"The world may say it is far to soon and that it is not time.
But my child, I say to them, time is not theirs it's mine
" Follow my lead and continue to believe you will see the truth and glory in what I have planned for you.
My child, the time is at hand for you to appear.
Angels are with you and you need not fear.
"There is a plan in all I do and there is a reason I have chosen you!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

the ughh in ...Wanting....

So i really do hate to want....but who doesnt want...want something at some particular point and time in their life. Everybody wants right. People may use a different word such as passion or need or dream..but all in all its a want right. what becomes a problem is when you so desperatly want something that it controlls your every day, its is in every move you make every thought you have...thats where the ughhh comes in.
ughh I so wish i so want to find someone to share my life with, ughh i so wish i had not chosen to get my tubes tied, ughh ughhh ughhhh! I dream almost every night of having more children. I sometimes wonder if it is gods way of punishing me for getting my tubes tied..I dont now! I dream of having twins all the time. Maybe there is a different meaning to the dream, but it seams so real that when I wake up and I look around, I dont see the babies, I get sad. In my dreams i can see them so clearly, hear them and even smell their lil new baby smell. It painsmy heart so much.
Finding someone who will accept not only me as i am but my children i know is going to be a tough thing to do, and maybe it is a path I am destine to take, I dont know about that but maybe. I am willing to change to an extent of not loosing who I am and what makes me happy. I know I want a good man who cares for my kids and loves me, a goodman I can take care of the way a good christan woman is suppose to take care of her man. I know I could make someone a very happy man. I am not just talking about sex either for those wo will read this and snicker. I am talking about truley deeply happy, through better and worse like it is ment to be. UGHH does that love exsist. Also i know we are not suppose to judge, but in reality everyone does..doesthat make it okay...no but, it is there! i see wemen everyday who treattheir men like shit, they make them work their tails off and then expect them to contribute at home too even though all they have done is sit on their ass all day doing nothing. they expect the man to wieght on then hand and foot. not to mention the physical attraction aspect of the fact that they weigh three times as much as i , and have no flippen teeth to boot....and the men stay! why do they do that. I used to think it was because i wasnt pretty enough...but around here standards dont seem to be set to high so what am I doing wrong, why cant I someone who is looking for her King find someone to sit next to me, somene who i can love and adore and cherish every moment with, someone to cuddle with and make love to, someone who i can cook dinner for and be thankful for his contribution to the family. Someone i can hold hands with sometimes or just watch a movie with? ughh i say ughh..I know its wrong of me but if i cant be honest about my feelings in my blog then what am i gonna do? double ughh

Of course i want more money, that would deff make things easier here in my life...but that will come when it comes i guess. UGHH
well thats all for now, everyone is doing well. Mikey is happy and doing well in school and so is Cecelia..only like 6 more weeks of school till summer time here....WOW right seems like just yesterday they were starting school. Ill give that a tripple UGHHH
lol
Steph

Friday, January 16, 2009

My big boy! he has grown so much..looks just like his daddy..but hey...I still love him anyway. lol. Cant wait to see what adventuires this year brings.


First Post of 2009


So i decided to start fresh for 2009. All of my old post are gone and this is truley a new start.. I miss everyone so much, Sarah, Nick , Ella, Jenny and so many friends at impact...and tomany more to mention. Below is a pic of Cece's first endevor of 2009. She decided to cut her hair ..she said she wanted bangs..she has been begging me for bangs for about a year ..i never wanted to but.....alas here is my baby girl